Please to meet you, hope you like my game.

I am an Australian by origin who has been successfully working in London as a mid-management digital marketer for the past eight years (geez that sounded like I watch paint dry, thankfully it’s a lot more exciting than that description). The longest period of unemployment i encountered was the length of a glorious traditional English summer, about three weeks.

Before coming back home, I did as much research on the Melbourne digital employment scene as i generally do on places to eat when visiting a European city, extensive (I hate eating like a backpacker on war rations now that i have the means not to). This research has directed me to begin documenting my adventures (also known as trials and tribulations) trying to enter the Melbourne digital marketing industry. 

Why would a guy who gained his experience in one of the most progressive and dynamic digital markets, be quaking in his boots about getting a job in Melbourne, surely this should be a cake-walk? The first thing that strikes me is the sheer lack of roles, especially within my specialist channel; eCRM/ eDM/ database marketing - whatever you call it – ain’t much going on.

Here is some niche general knowledge, much like celebrity death ages but less useful. Generally, businesses tend to have about 10% of the country’s population within their marketable database. In Australian that would mean a medium-large company would have about 2million customers within their database…wow… I just read that last stat and the quaking is turning into knee knocking  - I am used to dealing with a minimum of 7-10million! Banks and retailers tend to have the largest databases, for the obvious reasons. Banks however, are still stuck between the swinging 60’s and Egyptian walking 80’s when it comes to have a database that can be used within the digital channel.  Thus you still receive statements in the mail, and their only ability to speak to you with some relevance is via online banner adverts that stalk you on your online journey once you have checked your balance online. That brings us to the retailer sector which is the Valhalla/ Mecca/ Holy Grail for a database digital marketer. This is because when they set up their online stores or websites, they accommodate for email address and other customer details to be captured, as well as on going purchases.   This gives us marketers far more data to play with!

Welcome back to unemployment….

We now move to the job spec (this is where the name for the blog comes from), Jack of all trades and Master of all is what i feel is expected. reading through the job spec employers here really are looking for a White Elephant. To an optimistic marketer used to a industry that asks you to specialise on a digital channel, this is a bit head scratchingly bewildering. Case in point:

Experienced Retention Marketing Manager with thorough knowledge of Social Media Strategy.

That to me reads:

Brain surgeon required with thorough knowledge of dentistry.

 The surgery is in the same area, the head, but I don’t want someone who plays around with my brain like a less malicious Hannibal Lecture operating on my teeth. It’s not as drastic as that, ‘cos people in the medical profession are actually making a difference and there is something greater at risk than someone getting a wrong email (this fact gets lost on a lot of marketers), the point is, you will either be strong in one or the other. You can be strong in both, but it will need years of practice, as we are trying to influence/manipulate human behaviour. 

Another shock to the system apart from the winter time heat in Melbourne is the cover letter - The Wicked Witch of job applications. For some reason most job applications here want to have one! The last time I wrote a cover letter, Britney, Madge and Dirty Aguilera enjoyed a three way on TV and Iraq was a relatively safe country free of invasion. At the risk of sounding pompous, in the UK I have never written a cover letter nor do I know anyone who has. What do I do? What is the structure? Am I still addressing it to dear Sir/ Madam or is it Madam/ Sir, so I don’t come across as sexist? Then what, does it read like the blurb at the back of a Tony Robbins book or 50 Shades of Grey? How much content do I put in and finally do we still sing of ‘Yours Sincerely’ or just a ‘Thank-you’ ‘or ‘Cheers’ will suffice? I best get googling.

Lastly, recruiters/ HR people have given their work phone number to call them to speak about the role…does it look unprofessional if I don’t? If I do, what am I meant to ask - do they have showers so I can wash up after I run to work? Do they realise they are looking for a White Elephant? How many CVs have they received on their desk detail how after a bit of brain surgery they enjoy nothing more than fixing a molar or removing a wisdom tooth for a nominal fee.

All this even before I have applied for a job, met a recruiter and had an interview.