The joys of unemployment

DEVIATION STRING QUARTET: RAPHAEL SAADIQ - SKYY DUB (DEVIATION EDITION) from Deviation on Vimeo.


One of the great things of being unemployed, is you get to surf the net and discover new things such as this quartet and their remix of Raphael Saadiq's, Skyy (can you feel me?). What makes this even more amazing is the setting that this was played in. 

Money money money money, money - How expensive is Melbourne?

This post was inevitable ‘How expensive is Melbourne’, so look away if you know the ending ‘Money money money money, money’, is what I am running out of and need to amp up the job hunt. The issue here is not the fact that I don't have a job after three weeks (this was expected), but what I underestimated was the strength of the Australian dollar compared to my battered GBP and the freaking insanely high cost of living in Melbourne (Why do you think Tiger Woods only come to Melbourne when he gets paid to play?). The Melbourne house prices are world renowned for being inflated, but when you need to spend over 1$ to buy a Dim Sim (most amazing hangover food ever) and almost $10 for a pint of beer, you need to question how life here has gotten so expensive. It’s not like wages have risen at the same rate. Melbourne gets voted the most livable city every other year, who is it livable for, over paid sports stars and the people in government who abuse their privileges? Every time I leave the house, why do I feel I have little Artful Dodger's picking my pocket at every turn.

Since my return, I have been to more restaurant than I used to living in London. After a visit to the supermarket, I understand why so many friends have asked me to dinner, it’s cheaper to dine out at amazing restaurants than make a meal at home. Healthy fast food such as sushi and bubble tea's, are cheaper than making it yourself. Wine as well, is amazingly priced. WOW, I seem to have regressed back to my university diet, sushi rolls and cheap full-bodied wine. The only way I recognise myself apart from the facial hair, is that I don't think I live in Compton anymore and ware my excessively baggy jeans half-way down my ass, yet that still seems to be in fashion. Oh! on fashion, sorry Ms. Jackson, but when did a designer in Melbourne have the same brand equity as Armani or Chanel to charge as much as they do for their clobber. I have realised that my have to let my wardrobe regress to colourful and baggy 90’s hip-hop fashion and 2000’s rave couture, but as God is my witness, I will never buy an item of clothing from this country.   Money didn’t matter yesterday, and it sure don't matter 2 night, really…. is that why I am enjoying the joys of raw seafood surrounded in rice and wrapped in seaweed dressed in 
mustard and burgundy tent.

  

I'm your puppet!

Before we kick of today's post, I am going to start putting links to my movie and music references, as I have received feedback that some of them are tooooooo old or vague to be understood. Point taken, so enjoy the links to my references/ brain. 

Today is not a good day, the ego is feeling the stress of contradictions and expectations. All recruiters i have met disagree on a a lot, but one thing that they unanimously agreed on is that I am a contradiction and thus a conundrum for them, much like the 'riddle of the Sphinx', John Travolta's hair style (wig) and Jedward lack of talent yet success. The contradiction they say is that I am niche yet general, i am confused (In the next Batman movie I play the Riddlers side kick called 'Boy Quizzical'). General, cos' I am a database marketer (please see below one of the many 80's movies i would have had a lead role in), but niche in Australia, because I use email and mobile as my channel and not traditional direct marketing (DM).   


Given the amount of times I have heard this from a recruiter and the same rebuttal I have always presented, I think I am going to tape my rebuttal for the next time. The rebuttal sound a little something like this 'I know I have not undertaken any DM projects, but I know database marketing and segmentation, which is the core part of DM and will enable me to pick up DM quickly'. I am getting bored of saying that all the time thus the taping. I may even drop the instrumental to Kenny Rogers 'The Gambler' or Tom Tom Club's 'Genius of Love' as its backing. But what to do, I may have to do some CV massaging to either be a Shark or a Jet. 

Expectation are built by ego, well mine are anyway. THE EGO HAS crashed!.... well not yet, but if this blog is still running till December, then it will be a slightly more messy landing to that of Felix Baumgaartner's. I had set expectation, that involved being as fluid as possible within reason to finding a new role quickly, but currently my fluidity is freezing over due to Melbourne's cold weather and dropping expectations. He says this, whilst only being in the country for a week and a bit. I have Andre the Giant size expectations. The slow decline of the bank balance is not helping either, and all i have really done is visit some recruiters, go to see a movie, buy some graphic prints, a couple of dinners ...Oh!... Life is for the living and if I run out of money, I can jump of the moon and land safely to score myself a life time of Red Bull. If I did that I would like to have Tatoo from Fantasy Island welcoming me into the earths atmosphere with 'It's a bird... Its Da Plane ... its Quizzicalman'. 

Saturday, it's Saturday Saturday, it's Saturday-ay

The great thing about unemployment, you can make rules up outside societies norms. To reward my self for last week job hunt I have made Saturday and Sunday into one very long day, a 48 hour day called Truffle Shuffle or Satunday. On this day, no pen will touch parchment, or keystroke on my CV, and one will enjoy the company of friends. Here are some tunes to relax with, hope you enjoy.

Leave me hangin' on the telephone

Recruiters would make the ideal speed dating participants. They are generally attractive, attentive and ask all the right questions. They also come with cool names that have hyphens, are androgynous or from the old world (here's looking at you Barnabas and Vivian). At the end I want to take them home and introduce them to my parents. Unfortunately in Melbourne, the above still holds true, but the recruiters I have met believe in feeding you sugar cubes with one hand and flicking you with a whip with the other. These are my experiences, so I know I am generalising given my small sample size, there may be recruiters called Stuart or Lauren out there, but I am yet to encounter them.

The Melbourne experiences has been the complete opposite of that i have had in my former home London. (Pontificating begins now) In London, you generally have to beat them off with a stick and the spray them with cold water using an elephant hose, Rambo First Blood style, to get them to stop calling you. I had one guy who would religiously call me and speak to me like his best mate to get me to view job specs even when I was'nt on the market for a new role. He could set a world record for squeezing in as many words into 30 seconds without taking a breathe.  

Anyway back to the Melbourne (fill in whatever nickname you have for recruiters here) at hand. The first recruiter I met was from, let’s call the firm Michelleangelo Patagonia, the rather young and well groomed gent was trying to make me believe that the Melbourne eCRM marketing landscape was as advanced as London and NYC. When questioned about what roles he had that supported this claim, he directed me to some direct marketing positions. Just because both terms have marketing in them and start with a 'D' doesn't mean they are the same thing.

The meetings I have had with other recruiters are life affirming ego trips. I come out endorphin's stimulated and one step away from solving the riddle of life, the world hunger crisis and explaining the big bang theory in interpretive dance. I am strutting down the street like a 1970’s pimp wearing a fur coat, a velvet hat with an peacock feather in it and shoes with a live aquarium in there soles. I am hoping this is just not me, and other readers can relate to this. Alas, in the coming days I am left hangin' by the telephone like a girl who gave it up on the first date and is now waiting for that marriage proposal that won’t ever come. The job hunt continues.

I wonder what my London friendly/ stalker recruiter is doing and if he needs a chat. 

Please to meet you, hope you like my game.

I am an Australian by origin who has been successfully working in London as a mid-management digital marketer for the past eight years (geez that sounded like I watch paint dry, thankfully it’s a lot more exciting than that description). The longest period of unemployment i encountered was the length of a glorious traditional English summer, about three weeks.

Before coming back home, I did as much research on the Melbourne digital employment scene as i generally do on places to eat when visiting a European city, extensive (I hate eating like a backpacker on war rations now that i have the means not to). This research has directed me to begin documenting my adventures (also known as trials and tribulations) trying to enter the Melbourne digital marketing industry. 

Why would a guy who gained his experience in one of the most progressive and dynamic digital markets, be quaking in his boots about getting a job in Melbourne, surely this should be a cake-walk? The first thing that strikes me is the sheer lack of roles, especially within my specialist channel; eCRM/ eDM/ database marketing - whatever you call it – ain’t much going on.

Here is some niche general knowledge, much like celebrity death ages but less useful. Generally, businesses tend to have about 10% of the country’s population within their marketable database. In Australian that would mean a medium-large company would have about 2million customers within their database…wow… I just read that last stat and the quaking is turning into knee knocking  - I am used to dealing with a minimum of 7-10million! Banks and retailers tend to have the largest databases, for the obvious reasons. Banks however, are still stuck between the swinging 60’s and Egyptian walking 80’s when it comes to have a database that can be used within the digital channel.  Thus you still receive statements in the mail, and their only ability to speak to you with some relevance is via online banner adverts that stalk you on your online journey once you have checked your balance online. That brings us to the retailer sector which is the Valhalla/ Mecca/ Holy Grail for a database digital marketer. This is because when they set up their online stores or websites, they accommodate for email address and other customer details to be captured, as well as on going purchases.   This gives us marketers far more data to play with!

Welcome back to unemployment….

We now move to the job spec (this is where the name for the blog comes from), Jack of all trades and Master of all is what i feel is expected. reading through the job spec employers here really are looking for a White Elephant. To an optimistic marketer used to a industry that asks you to specialise on a digital channel, this is a bit head scratchingly bewildering. Case in point:

Experienced Retention Marketing Manager with thorough knowledge of Social Media Strategy.

That to me reads:

Brain surgeon required with thorough knowledge of dentistry.

 The surgery is in the same area, the head, but I don’t want someone who plays around with my brain like a less malicious Hannibal Lecture operating on my teeth. It’s not as drastic as that, ‘cos people in the medical profession are actually making a difference and there is something greater at risk than someone getting a wrong email (this fact gets lost on a lot of marketers), the point is, you will either be strong in one or the other. You can be strong in both, but it will need years of practice, as we are trying to influence/manipulate human behaviour. 

Another shock to the system apart from the winter time heat in Melbourne is the cover letter - The Wicked Witch of job applications. For some reason most job applications here want to have one! The last time I wrote a cover letter, Britney, Madge and Dirty Aguilera enjoyed a three way on TV and Iraq was a relatively safe country free of invasion. At the risk of sounding pompous, in the UK I have never written a cover letter nor do I know anyone who has. What do I do? What is the structure? Am I still addressing it to dear Sir/ Madam or is it Madam/ Sir, so I don’t come across as sexist? Then what, does it read like the blurb at the back of a Tony Robbins book or 50 Shades of Grey? How much content do I put in and finally do we still sing of ‘Yours Sincerely’ or just a ‘Thank-you’ ‘or ‘Cheers’ will suffice? I best get googling.

Lastly, recruiters/ HR people have given their work phone number to call them to speak about the role…does it look unprofessional if I don’t? If I do, what am I meant to ask - do they have showers so I can wash up after I run to work? Do they realise they are looking for a White Elephant? How many CVs have they received on their desk detail how after a bit of brain surgery they enjoy nothing more than fixing a molar or removing a wisdom tooth for a nominal fee.

All this even before I have applied for a job, met a recruiter and had an interview.